by Jasmin Pflugradt

TW: Rassismus, internalisiertes westliches Schönheitsideal

My whole life
I’ve been asked
If I was Chinese
And I would not understand
The condescending tone in their voices
Almost
Hate
And
Contempt
I wouldn’t understand
Why an ethnicity
A country
Simply being human
Should be an insult
But my whole life
I’ve been labeled
As someone
I wasn’t
I’ve been put down for some reason
That I could not understand

So I started
To despise my reflection
To hate
My whole appearance
The look
Of my eyes
Too small
Because I thought
There has to be a reason
They called me chinky eyes
So I believed them
And I believed
This was something to be ashamed of
My skin
Too dark
And it nauseated me so much
I sometimes wished to rip the skin off my flesh
Nothing more
Than bones
So finally
I would be accepted
For my bones would have the same colour as theirs
Funny thing
That being a person of colour drained me
From having a colourful life
And it still happens
Over and over again
Until today

I am still learning
To live in this body
That sometimes doesn’t feel like mine

Some people don’t know where they belong to
What should they call home
When the country they were born in
Refuses to fully accept them
As they don’t look native enough
And so does the country of their ancestors
For not knowing their tongue
And many other things
I don’t even know my other half
I’ve always wanted to strip it off
Like my skin
That I’ve grown tired of
So this may be the reason
I often don’t feel whole
But
I am learning, still.

Nawala ka pero wala ka malimtan. Nangita ko.